Hashimoto....The base of a bridge

Hashimoto's Disease was my recent diagnosis after sitting in a doctor's office reviewing five pages of blood work. "Hashi-what?" was my first thought. I've been feeling pretty terrible for almost a year now and my symptoms have gotten progressively worse over the last few months. The massive amounts of hair I was losing in the shower was the last straw before my decision to finally find out what was really wrong with me. I have known something wasn't right, but lets be honest.....I thought I could do lots of other things to fix the way I was feeling until it was affecting my vanity. I hate admitting that! I thought if I could just get more rest, drink more water, eat enough and eat the right things, take my vitamins, get more exercise, then I would feel normal again. Why couldn't I just do those things anyway? They seem so easy now and such basic maintenance for any healthy person. I'll back up the train a bit. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism seven years ago, after my first daughter was born. That explained some tiredness, depression and general yucky feelings I had been having. Each time I've been pregnant and had a baby, my thyroid levels have fluctuated a lot postpartum and had to be regulated frequently. After my second child was born, I really thought I might lose my mind with how exhausted I was feeling. Looking back, I think I had Hashimoto's then, just was not diagnosed until now, five years later. This final pregnancy and life with now three children, is what pushed me over the edge to have to explore what in the world was happening to me. I'm not writing a post to inform anyone about what this disease or offer any kind of education or answers. I'm writing because I am adjusting to a major lifestyle change and honestly, I'm depressed, frustrated and sad about it sometimes. I'm not the first person to be diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and I'm not the last. I'm not the first mom and wife out there who has carried what felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders for years, wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't carry it as well as other women did. I'm also not the only person to wish I had taken better care of myself years ago and yet still don't know how I could have done it better, while taking care of everyone else too. I'm really interested in the meaning of the word Hashimoto. I looked it up and it's a Japanese word meaning: the base of a bridge. I didn't look up the reason why this disease was named Hashimoto's Thyroiditis but I'm very certain that it has to do with the major and necessity of the thyroid. I've known for a long time the importance of the thyroid gland, and the many things within the body that require proper thyroid function. But when I think of the thyroid as the base of a bridge and the disease of it, a crashing down and destruction of the bridge above the base, it makes perfect sense that they would name this disease Hashimoto's. I have felt like my body has been slowly destroying itself to the point of feeling like I was somehow going to die. I knew there was something very wrong with me. When I left the doctors office last Monday with my new diagnosis, I felt overwhelmed. I called my husband to tell him about my visit and I started to cry. I felt relieved that I had an answer to the reason I was feeling so awful and that it really wasn't just in my head. There was some justification, yet such a feeling of doom to feel terrible for the rest of my life. The only thing I knew to do was to follow the instructions I was given regarding my diet (going 100% gluten free), and read everything I could find about other people's experiences with Hashimoto's. This has been overwhelming in itself but very helpful and I don't feel so lost anymore. For the first three days I did so well cutting out gluten. I was eating roast beef and carrots and hummus. I was cooking with lots of veggies for the family and it didn't seem all that bad, yet! I woke up on day four and felt absolutely miserable. I stood at the kitchen sink trying to rinse some dishes and I was weak and tired and out of breath. My arms ached and all I wanted was to sit down and rest. This was around 8:30 in the morning. It was at this moment that I knew, that this road would be long and not for the faint of heart. This was going to take commitment to my own health and support from my family and friends. It was going to take perseverance and a major attitude adjustment. And in that moment I crumbled into a ball of tears in my husbands arms. "I don't wanna feel like this forever" I said to him. "I know that all those things I thought I could try before like getting rest and exercise and eating right will be good, but they won't make me better." I had been carrying these emotions all week and they finally busted out. He looked at me and said "we're in this together, I love you." Something changed for me in that moment. I felt validated and loved and taken care of and SUPPORTED. For the last several years I have allowed myself to be in a place where I thought that I had to do everything for everyone in my home. I carried all the stress so no one else had to. I do it all because I either don't want to ask for help or I think it's all my job. I suppose my depression and attitude the days leading up to this, were my fear rising to the surface. I felt afraid that I had to continue to carry everything on my own and still try to take care of myself....for real this time. Wearing myself out and running on empty wasn't an option anymore and I truly didn't know how to make this change and make it last. Going on the gluten free diet is a challenge in itself and a major life changer for our family. But it wasn't this that made my future feel bleak, it was my fear of walking this road alone. Even as I wrote that last paragraph I was still wrapping my head around how much I'm loved. Sometimes I still can't grasp how blessed my life is because I'm wrapped up in myself and my own self pity. How sad. Not only is my husband such a wonderful man and a blessing to me, God loves me so much to allow me to walk through this disease and grow stronger in my faith and my love and my character from it. This is a challenge no doubt but I believe it is a blessing in disguise because I know God's hand is all around it. I will learn to ask for help and I will appreciate the love and support my husband offers me. I will learn to take care of myself the right way so that I can truly take care of my family. I will have to rely on Jesus for support on days that I feel weak and can't seem to see the hope ahead. God was looking out for me in this journey. My thyroid is not the base of my bridge its merely a small part of the foundation built on Jesus. My bridge will not be destroyed by this disease.