Sometimes I'm really scattered with so much to write and no real destination. Tonight I feel heavy with the thoughts of contentment and the endless search for it. It is my belief that most people, if they look deep enough into their hearts, long for a feeling of fullness. A completion. A sense of lacking nothing. Certainly many people feel very content and full and satisfied, but I do believe that the majority of us, whether well educated, good Christians, successful, or just happy are looking for a missing piece. At least I am, and honestly it makes me feel better to think that I'm not alone.
It was a couple of years ago that I had this burning inside of me to just explore what it really meant to thirst for God. It was a thought that constantly went through my mind. I pulled out my Bible and started to look through each verse that referenced "thirst". I found tons of them. I thought that it would be such a great idea to challenge myself to really seek and "thirst" for God. What did that really mean? What could that do for my life and those around me if I just longed for Him? If I just could seek Him and find my satisfaction in Him, what an amazing outcome I would have, I thought.
The feeling went away, as many of mine do. I got over it and moved on, but I kept all of my notes, scripture references and random thoughts within the pages of my Bible. I've glanced at them and read over them from time to time thinking it would be a really good idea to explore it more deeply, but, well, I don't really have time. It seems I don't have time for much these days but to sit and think about how I imagined everything in my life to be so different by the time I was this age. My goodness, how I have lived my life with expectations based upon fairytales and found disappointment along the way, when real life has smacked me in the face. Really, am I the only one who has done this? Once again, I will feel much better if I believe I am not alone.
How often is the smile on the outside a mere pretty enclosure of the disintigration that is happening just behind it? I'm thirsting. I'm seeking. I'm looking for the meaning of my life. I'm looking for the reason that I'm here and trying to make sense of the last 29 years. One of my doctors yesterday said..."well, you look like you're doing great". All I could do was laugh and say..."I'm a pretty good faker". It's true, I am, and a lot of us are. What are we supposed to do? Life continues even when we're falling apart. Our families still need us even when we feel like we can't give anymore. Our work still requires our attentive and productive presence even when we don't feel attentive or productive. I don't want to be a faker anymore, I want the greatness that my smile portrays to be more real than any words could explain! I want to feel content, joyful, lacking nothing. I want to feel peaceful, not thirsty.
As I travel through my thoughts and memories, puting them in place, I can see how the Lord has layed things out in my life to help me along the way. Many things in fact, but for time and a reader's sake I will focus one. The idea of "thirsting" that I mentioned above is amazing to me at this very moment. It was long ago that He put it on my heart....quite intrusively I might add. It was all I thought about for days, maybe weeks. At this point in my life is exactly the time where I must learn how to quench my thirst with my one and only God. I walked into my bedroom today and one of the girls had gotten into the books on the bedside table and pulled out one of my pages with verses regarding "thirst". The very first one I read was Psalm 42:2 "My sould thirsts for God, the Living God. When can I go and meet him." This was followed by Isaiah 55:1 "Come all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you will have no money, come buy and eat. Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost." WOW, how these words just darted into my soul and touched me at my core. It all finally made sense.
I'm constantly frustrated and confused with how one such as myself, a Christian woman, with strong faith, wonderful experiences and a grounded sense of this life, can feel so incredibly helpless and wandering. How is it possible to feel alone and seeking when I know exactly the cure for this ailment? I've known all along that God is my answer. Why is that so hard? I've known that He made me, He loves me, He believes in me and He has a plan for me. So, why can't I just believe that on a heart level? Why on earth do I have to travel a road of despair and tear myself down before I just look up? How do I keep forgetting that I was made to love HIM? I'm supposed to thirst for Him. I'm supposed to long for Him.
I'm grateful for the hope that I've found in the Lord. I'm happy to have found His grace and forgiveness and love in the pit of my humanness. And, after moments of feeling on top of the world and blessed beyond measure, followed by a bumpy road into the ditch, I've learned that it does get better. There is hope and He is paving our individual roads as we speak, we just have to look for the grace that surrounds us and hold on tight.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Who's Happy?
Lord, Thank you so very much for the gift of writing! I feel so at peace when I write and it has become such an efficient way for me to express my heart and thoughts which really teaches me things about myself each time. I am so blessed that You are my God and I pray that again as I write and speak, You speak to me in the way that only You can do. Amen
I've had so much on my mind this past week! Toby's message at church last Sunday was outstanding, but as I sat in church this week, I wondered what had happened on Monday that caused me to lose touch with everything that he said! I felt so incredibly inspired last night to just write. I wanted to sort through the thousands of thoughts that had passed through my mind. I was searching for clarity and meaning in all that I was thinking. Many times, taking the time to sit down and focus and write out what I'm thinking is the only way for me to make sense of my life. I've found that writing for me is more of a journey of self discovery that I will probably continue my entire life. I do hope that in sharing some of my deepest, raw, unfiltered thoughts and feelings, that I can reach some other women and people who may have some of the very same feelings, struggles, frustrations and hurts. There is always comfort and hope when you know you're not alone.
Last night as I sat in front of the computer writing and thinking and talking and trying to figure things out, the thought that I was really focused on was the meaning of happiness. I spent hours thinking and writing and nothing seemed to flow. I realized that I had some interesting questions about happiness and I found through a little research (something I love ;)) that other people had the very same questions. But I never seemed to reach a conclusion on what I really thought the meaning of happiness was. The words I had written just didn't seem to find themselves tied together at the end so I decided to save it and not post. After reading back over it today, it's amazing how much my perspective has changed and my "feelings" have changed in the course of 15 hours or so. Toby is so right in saying that "feelings cannot be trusted".
During my research last night I found a website that stated the meaning of happines like this: Happiness is an emotion that is characterized by a feeling of absolute contentment. It is the feeling of being where you should be, getting what you want and needing little else. I was amazed by that and I still am today in a different way. Last night when I read that, my exact thought was, "seriously? so basically NO ONE is really happy". Well, we never get everything that we want and need do we? Are we ever really content? These were my negetive thoughts last night. I'll share on my new perspective in a minute, but first I have to note another interesting bit that I found on the site. The following is a portion that I copied and pasted:
Can happiness be controlled?
As mentioned before, happiness is the net result of a number of factors. Several factors like genetics and circumstances contribute to approximately 60% of your happiness. These factors cannot be controlled. However, the remaining 40% is within your control. Your thoughts, actions and goals, for instance, are your own. You can choose to interpret an experience as enriching, if you wish to do so. This in turn increases your happiness. The same incident becomes a continual source of pain when you choose to view it negatively. Many areas of your life are highly subjective like how you choose to interpret your past, how you choose to live your present and whether you feel you are doing enough to ensure a happy future. These factors contribute to your happiness, and they can be controlled.
As you can see, even though a degree of your happiness is beyond your control, a good part of it can be controlled. Fortunately, you can turn around your life by focusing on this part. By taking active control of this, you can lead a more enriched, successful and satisfying life.
I'm back! Isn't it interesting how according to a secular scientist's research, that nearly half of our happiness is within our control? When I read that statistic and explanation a half a day ago I was so cynical. I honestly didn't entirely buy it. But when I realized that I didn't buy it, I couldn't put into words exactly why. It did make sense to me that our minds are powerful and have the capacity to control many things about our lives. While I was trying to find a way to argue what I had just read and find some other conclusion, I just felt such a strong urge from the Lord that just said "I am your source". I being human, flesh and known to make a mistake from time to time, didn't want to buy that either! That's too easy! Tell that to the scienteists. I've felt far away from God recently, lost, fearful, confused, caught in sinful decisions that can't bring me any peace or joy. In that particular state of mind it was hard to accept the reality that in my pain, pity and confusion He was still knocking on my heart. He was still looking after me and reminding me that He hadn't left me even though I had left him for a time. I've said it before and I'll say it again WHAT AN AMAZING GOD!! There aren't words to describe the peace I feel when He shows me something so clearly that I have been longing for and needing without even knowing. However, I didn't realize all of this as I typed last night. I went to bed just about as confused as I had been when I started writing and I didn't sleep much. All the while I was unaware that My God was setting the stage for another one of his great works on my heart!
So welcome to today! It is a new day, a beautiful day! I got up early, still in my funk. Grumpy because I hadn't really slept. Grumpy because it was wet and dreary out and I didn't want to go through the effort to get the girls ready for church. Andie had thrown up which was a perfect reason to stay home. I also didn't feel like it was in my heart to go and "play along" when I had some repenting to do....anyone else ever feel like that? I still just had a tug on my heart telling me that I needed to fight through my stubbornness and get ready and go.
I won't detail my entire experience at church today, but I want to say a few things about happiness, state of mind, control and surrender that I'm able to find the words for after my morning in church. I felt the Lord embracing me immediately as I walked into the sprung and I knew I was where I needed to be. As Toby began to speak, things began to fall into place. In a nutshell he spoke of how so many times we expect God to do the things that He has called us to do ourselves and in doing so, we feel frustration. When, if we just do what we're called to do, it opens up the area for him to do what only He can do in our lives. The part that really reached me was when he began to talk about making a decision to "let what I know control how I feel instead of allowing my feelings to control what I know". Toby, could you hit the nail on the head any harder?? ;) Another phrase he used was being "a victim of my thoughts". This is MY LIFE!!!! When things aren't what I want them to be, or life hurts, or I feel disappointment, regret, guilt, shame, pain or whatever, I travel into my thoughts and hide in the fantasy that I can come up with at the time. My mind races. I imagine things that aren't and won't be real. I remember things that made me feel good and relive them, often times embelished. I play out elaborate conversations with people that make me seem wonderful, smart and witty. I sometimes travel into the darker places and linger in my hurt. I remember painful things that have been done to me or said to me and feel those feelings again. I replay conversations that I believe should have gone differently, and in my mind things usually are more dramatic than they were in reality. I sit here and wonder why it's been so long since I've been happy....and if I've ever really been "happy". Gosh, is it any wonder now why happiness has eluded me? I live in my mind. I live in these unrealistic thoughts that create feelings that rule my life! I thrive and feed on these thrilling feelings that I can create all on my own and sometimes they feel wonderful. Other times I feel anxiety and discontentment when I sort through my disappointments over and over again.
When I combine the knowlege I found last night and the wisdom that God gave me today, my thoughts and words all seem to tie together perfectly. It wasn't that I had writers block last night. It wasn't that I just didn't find an answer to my question. The truth has come to me because God was preparing my heart and my mind last night. Things in my life leading up to today have been preparing me to receive the wisdom that He wanted to bless me with on this very day. I DO have control over my happiness. That doesn't mean that saying "I'm happy" 100 times each morning is going to make me happy. Our mind is powerful and this could cause me to think I'm happy, that's true. But as stated above, the meaning of happiness is described as this: Happiness is an emotion that is characterized by a feeling of absolute contentment. It is the feeling of being where you should be, getting what you want and needing little else.
Now, if we know that our feelings can control our state of mind, our actions and our lives, wouldn't it be true that a "feeling" of "absolute contentment" could bring about an amazingly content and happy life? If I can recongnize God as "my source" as He told me that He is, then He becomes my source of contentment. He becomes the One I look to for help in controling my thoughts and feelings. The One that I can rely on when I feel the temptation creep up to enter into another fantasy. He can bring me feelings of security, acceptance, love, reassurance, peace and joy. These feelings can do amazing work in my mind and my life. When I surrender my heart and my will and my fear to Him, I am in exactly the place that I need to be and I need nothing else but Him.
I don't mean to write a post like this and end with it sounding like I have finally figured this out. It sounds so easy and really, it's the furthest thing from easy. I just know in my heart of hearts that I'm not the only woman, wife, mom or friend that struggles with living by feelings and fear of letting God take control. We live in a world where it's not popular to not be in control of your life. It's not popular to live by faith when you feel like everything around you is falling apart. Why not run and figure it out on our own, afterall we're strong women. Isn't that what we hear....all the time?? I have to daily choose to think differently. I have to choose to live my life by what I believe and not by the way I feel about my circumstances whatever they may be. I have to choose to ask God to fill me in the areas that I feel empty and alone and give me the strength and courage to be the best that I can be for Him and my family. THIS IS HARD!! I just told Avery today at naptime "sometimes it's really hard to be obedient and it isn't fun and it doesn't feel good, but God honors it". As I spoke that to her, I knew God had given me those words not only for her tiny heart but for mine as well.
Please know that this struggle for me may be one of the largest I have discovered thus far in my life. God has lined things up accordingly to reach me right now, exactly where I needed it and I'm so very grateful. I drove out of the parking lot at church today and the struggle had already begun. By the time I got home I had to walk into the bathroom and just look in the mirror and cry. What happened to that wonderful strength I had found in surrender just 30 minutes before? Through my tears, all I could do was say..."God, please help me! Help me take my thoughts captive. I don't want to live this way! And PLEASE help it to be easier!!"
I don't know if it will be easier, but I do know that I've chosen to once again give up on my own way of thinking. I see the Lords workings in my life and this is what gives me the faith to contiue on this journey with Him even when I can't see anything that's ahead of me. I'm imperfect but I'm forgiven and I'm absolutely content in knowing that He is my source!!
I've had so much on my mind this past week! Toby's message at church last Sunday was outstanding, but as I sat in church this week, I wondered what had happened on Monday that caused me to lose touch with everything that he said! I felt so incredibly inspired last night to just write. I wanted to sort through the thousands of thoughts that had passed through my mind. I was searching for clarity and meaning in all that I was thinking. Many times, taking the time to sit down and focus and write out what I'm thinking is the only way for me to make sense of my life. I've found that writing for me is more of a journey of self discovery that I will probably continue my entire life. I do hope that in sharing some of my deepest, raw, unfiltered thoughts and feelings, that I can reach some other women and people who may have some of the very same feelings, struggles, frustrations and hurts. There is always comfort and hope when you know you're not alone.
Last night as I sat in front of the computer writing and thinking and talking and trying to figure things out, the thought that I was really focused on was the meaning of happiness. I spent hours thinking and writing and nothing seemed to flow. I realized that I had some interesting questions about happiness and I found through a little research (something I love ;)) that other people had the very same questions. But I never seemed to reach a conclusion on what I really thought the meaning of happiness was. The words I had written just didn't seem to find themselves tied together at the end so I decided to save it and not post. After reading back over it today, it's amazing how much my perspective has changed and my "feelings" have changed in the course of 15 hours or so. Toby is so right in saying that "feelings cannot be trusted".
During my research last night I found a website that stated the meaning of happines like this: Happiness is an emotion that is characterized by a feeling of absolute contentment. It is the feeling of being where you should be, getting what you want and needing little else. I was amazed by that and I still am today in a different way. Last night when I read that, my exact thought was, "seriously? so basically NO ONE is really happy". Well, we never get everything that we want and need do we? Are we ever really content? These were my negetive thoughts last night. I'll share on my new perspective in a minute, but first I have to note another interesting bit that I found on the site. The following is a portion that I copied and pasted:
Can happiness be controlled?
As mentioned before, happiness is the net result of a number of factors. Several factors like genetics and circumstances contribute to approximately 60% of your happiness. These factors cannot be controlled. However, the remaining 40% is within your control. Your thoughts, actions and goals, for instance, are your own. You can choose to interpret an experience as enriching, if you wish to do so. This in turn increases your happiness. The same incident becomes a continual source of pain when you choose to view it negatively. Many areas of your life are highly subjective like how you choose to interpret your past, how you choose to live your present and whether you feel you are doing enough to ensure a happy future. These factors contribute to your happiness, and they can be controlled.
As you can see, even though a degree of your happiness is beyond your control, a good part of it can be controlled. Fortunately, you can turn around your life by focusing on this part. By taking active control of this, you can lead a more enriched, successful and satisfying life.
I'm back! Isn't it interesting how according to a secular scientist's research, that nearly half of our happiness is within our control? When I read that statistic and explanation a half a day ago I was so cynical. I honestly didn't entirely buy it. But when I realized that I didn't buy it, I couldn't put into words exactly why. It did make sense to me that our minds are powerful and have the capacity to control many things about our lives. While I was trying to find a way to argue what I had just read and find some other conclusion, I just felt such a strong urge from the Lord that just said "I am your source". I being human, flesh and known to make a mistake from time to time, didn't want to buy that either! That's too easy! Tell that to the scienteists. I've felt far away from God recently, lost, fearful, confused, caught in sinful decisions that can't bring me any peace or joy. In that particular state of mind it was hard to accept the reality that in my pain, pity and confusion He was still knocking on my heart. He was still looking after me and reminding me that He hadn't left me even though I had left him for a time. I've said it before and I'll say it again WHAT AN AMAZING GOD!! There aren't words to describe the peace I feel when He shows me something so clearly that I have been longing for and needing without even knowing. However, I didn't realize all of this as I typed last night. I went to bed just about as confused as I had been when I started writing and I didn't sleep much. All the while I was unaware that My God was setting the stage for another one of his great works on my heart!
So welcome to today! It is a new day, a beautiful day! I got up early, still in my funk. Grumpy because I hadn't really slept. Grumpy because it was wet and dreary out and I didn't want to go through the effort to get the girls ready for church. Andie had thrown up which was a perfect reason to stay home. I also didn't feel like it was in my heart to go and "play along" when I had some repenting to do....anyone else ever feel like that? I still just had a tug on my heart telling me that I needed to fight through my stubbornness and get ready and go.
I won't detail my entire experience at church today, but I want to say a few things about happiness, state of mind, control and surrender that I'm able to find the words for after my morning in church. I felt the Lord embracing me immediately as I walked into the sprung and I knew I was where I needed to be. As Toby began to speak, things began to fall into place. In a nutshell he spoke of how so many times we expect God to do the things that He has called us to do ourselves and in doing so, we feel frustration. When, if we just do what we're called to do, it opens up the area for him to do what only He can do in our lives. The part that really reached me was when he began to talk about making a decision to "let what I know control how I feel instead of allowing my feelings to control what I know". Toby, could you hit the nail on the head any harder?? ;) Another phrase he used was being "a victim of my thoughts". This is MY LIFE!!!! When things aren't what I want them to be, or life hurts, or I feel disappointment, regret, guilt, shame, pain or whatever, I travel into my thoughts and hide in the fantasy that I can come up with at the time. My mind races. I imagine things that aren't and won't be real. I remember things that made me feel good and relive them, often times embelished. I play out elaborate conversations with people that make me seem wonderful, smart and witty. I sometimes travel into the darker places and linger in my hurt. I remember painful things that have been done to me or said to me and feel those feelings again. I replay conversations that I believe should have gone differently, and in my mind things usually are more dramatic than they were in reality. I sit here and wonder why it's been so long since I've been happy....and if I've ever really been "happy". Gosh, is it any wonder now why happiness has eluded me? I live in my mind. I live in these unrealistic thoughts that create feelings that rule my life! I thrive and feed on these thrilling feelings that I can create all on my own and sometimes they feel wonderful. Other times I feel anxiety and discontentment when I sort through my disappointments over and over again.
When I combine the knowlege I found last night and the wisdom that God gave me today, my thoughts and words all seem to tie together perfectly. It wasn't that I had writers block last night. It wasn't that I just didn't find an answer to my question. The truth has come to me because God was preparing my heart and my mind last night. Things in my life leading up to today have been preparing me to receive the wisdom that He wanted to bless me with on this very day. I DO have control over my happiness. That doesn't mean that saying "I'm happy" 100 times each morning is going to make me happy. Our mind is powerful and this could cause me to think I'm happy, that's true. But as stated above, the meaning of happiness is described as this: Happiness is an emotion that is characterized by a feeling of absolute contentment. It is the feeling of being where you should be, getting what you want and needing little else.
Now, if we know that our feelings can control our state of mind, our actions and our lives, wouldn't it be true that a "feeling" of "absolute contentment" could bring about an amazingly content and happy life? If I can recongnize God as "my source" as He told me that He is, then He becomes my source of contentment. He becomes the One I look to for help in controling my thoughts and feelings. The One that I can rely on when I feel the temptation creep up to enter into another fantasy. He can bring me feelings of security, acceptance, love, reassurance, peace and joy. These feelings can do amazing work in my mind and my life. When I surrender my heart and my will and my fear to Him, I am in exactly the place that I need to be and I need nothing else but Him.
I don't mean to write a post like this and end with it sounding like I have finally figured this out. It sounds so easy and really, it's the furthest thing from easy. I just know in my heart of hearts that I'm not the only woman, wife, mom or friend that struggles with living by feelings and fear of letting God take control. We live in a world where it's not popular to not be in control of your life. It's not popular to live by faith when you feel like everything around you is falling apart. Why not run and figure it out on our own, afterall we're strong women. Isn't that what we hear....all the time?? I have to daily choose to think differently. I have to choose to live my life by what I believe and not by the way I feel about my circumstances whatever they may be. I have to choose to ask God to fill me in the areas that I feel empty and alone and give me the strength and courage to be the best that I can be for Him and my family. THIS IS HARD!! I just told Avery today at naptime "sometimes it's really hard to be obedient and it isn't fun and it doesn't feel good, but God honors it". As I spoke that to her, I knew God had given me those words not only for her tiny heart but for mine as well.
Please know that this struggle for me may be one of the largest I have discovered thus far in my life. God has lined things up accordingly to reach me right now, exactly where I needed it and I'm so very grateful. I drove out of the parking lot at church today and the struggle had already begun. By the time I got home I had to walk into the bathroom and just look in the mirror and cry. What happened to that wonderful strength I had found in surrender just 30 minutes before? Through my tears, all I could do was say..."God, please help me! Help me take my thoughts captive. I don't want to live this way! And PLEASE help it to be easier!!"
I don't know if it will be easier, but I do know that I've chosen to once again give up on my own way of thinking. I see the Lords workings in my life and this is what gives me the faith to contiue on this journey with Him even when I can't see anything that's ahead of me. I'm imperfect but I'm forgiven and I'm absolutely content in knowing that He is my source!!
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