Longing, Thirsting, Seeking

Sometimes I'm really scattered with so much to write and no real destination. Tonight I feel heavy with the thoughts of contentment and the endless search for it. It is my belief that most people, if they look deep enough into their hearts, long for a feeling of fullness. A completion. A sense of lacking nothing. Certainly many people feel very content and full and satisfied, but I do believe that the majority of us, whether well educated, good Christians, successful, or just happy are looking for a missing piece. At least I am, and honestly it makes me feel better to think that I'm not alone.

It was a couple of years ago that I had this burning inside of me to just explore what it really meant to thirst for God. It was a thought that constantly went through my mind. I pulled out my Bible and started to look through each verse that referenced "thirst". I found tons of them. I thought that it would be such a great idea to challenge myself to really seek and "thirst" for God. What did that really mean? What could that do for my life and those around me if I just longed for Him? If I just could seek Him and find my satisfaction in Him, what an amazing outcome I would have, I thought.

The feeling went away, as many of mine do. I got over it and moved on, but I kept all of my notes, scripture references and random thoughts within the pages of my Bible. I've glanced at them and read over them from time to time thinking it would be a really good idea to explore it more deeply, but, well, I don't really have time. It seems I don't have time for much these days but to sit and think about how I imagined everything in my life to be so different by the time I was this age. My goodness, how I have lived my life with expectations based upon fairytales and found disappointment along the way, when real life has smacked me in the face. Really, am I the only one who has done this? Once again, I will feel much better if I believe I am not alone.

How often is the smile on the outside a mere pretty enclosure of the disintigration that is happening just behind it? I'm thirsting. I'm seeking. I'm looking for the meaning of my life. I'm looking for the reason that I'm here and trying to make sense of the last 29 years. One of my doctors yesterday said..."well, you look like you're doing great". All I could do was laugh and say..."I'm a pretty good faker". It's true, I am, and a lot of us are. What are we supposed to do? Life continues even when we're falling apart. Our families still need us even when we feel like we can't give anymore. Our work still requires our attentive and productive presence even when we don't feel attentive or productive. I don't want to be a faker anymore, I want the greatness that my smile portrays to be more real than any words could explain! I want to feel content, joyful, lacking nothing. I want to feel peaceful, not thirsty.

As I travel through my thoughts and memories, puting them in place, I can see how the Lord has layed things out in my life to help me along the way. Many things in fact, but for time and a reader's sake I will focus one. The idea of "thirsting" that I mentioned above is amazing to me at this very moment. It was long ago that He put it on my heart....quite intrusively I might add. It was all I thought about for days, maybe weeks. At this point in my life is exactly the time where I must learn how to quench my thirst with my one and only God. I walked into my bedroom today and one of the girls had gotten into the books on the bedside table and pulled out one of my pages with verses regarding "thirst". The very first one I read was Psalm 42:2 "My sould thirsts for God, the Living God. When can I go and meet him." This was followed by Isaiah 55:1 "Come all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you will have no money, come buy and eat. Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost." WOW, how these words just darted into my soul and touched me at my core. It all finally made sense.

I'm constantly frustrated and confused with how one such as myself, a Christian woman, with strong faith, wonderful experiences and a grounded sense of this life, can feel so incredibly helpless and wandering. How is it possible to feel alone and seeking when I know exactly the cure for this ailment? I've known all along that God is my answer. Why is that so hard? I've known that He made me, He loves me, He believes in me and He has a plan for me. So, why can't I just believe that on a heart level? Why on earth do I have to travel a road of despair and tear myself down before I just look up? How do I keep forgetting that I was made to love HIM? I'm supposed to thirst for Him. I'm supposed to long for Him.

I'm grateful for the hope that I've found in the Lord. I'm happy to have found His grace and forgiveness and love in the pit of my humanness. And, after moments of feeling on top of the world and blessed beyond measure, followed by a bumpy road into the ditch, I've learned that it does get better. There is hope and He is paving our individual roads as we speak, we just have to look for the grace that surrounds us and hold on tight.