Hashimoto....The base of a bridge

Hashimoto's Disease was my recent diagnosis after sitting in a doctor's office reviewing five pages of blood work. "Hashi-what?" was my first thought. I've been feeling pretty terrible for almost a year now and my symptoms have gotten progressively worse over the last few months. The massive amounts of hair I was losing in the shower was the last straw before my decision to finally find out what was really wrong with me. I have known something wasn't right, but lets be honest.....I thought I could do lots of other things to fix the way I was feeling until it was affecting my vanity. I hate admitting that! I thought if I could just get more rest, drink more water, eat enough and eat the right things, take my vitamins, get more exercise, then I would feel normal again. Why couldn't I just do those things anyway? They seem so easy now and such basic maintenance for any healthy person. I'll back up the train a bit. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism seven years ago, after my first daughter was born. That explained some tiredness, depression and general yucky feelings I had been having. Each time I've been pregnant and had a baby, my thyroid levels have fluctuated a lot postpartum and had to be regulated frequently. After my second child was born, I really thought I might lose my mind with how exhausted I was feeling. Looking back, I think I had Hashimoto's then, just was not diagnosed until now, five years later. This final pregnancy and life with now three children, is what pushed me over the edge to have to explore what in the world was happening to me. I'm not writing a post to inform anyone about what this disease or offer any kind of education or answers. I'm writing because I am adjusting to a major lifestyle change and honestly, I'm depressed, frustrated and sad about it sometimes. I'm not the first person to be diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and I'm not the last. I'm not the first mom and wife out there who has carried what felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders for years, wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't carry it as well as other women did. I'm also not the only person to wish I had taken better care of myself years ago and yet still don't know how I could have done it better, while taking care of everyone else too. I'm really interested in the meaning of the word Hashimoto. I looked it up and it's a Japanese word meaning: the base of a bridge. I didn't look up the reason why this disease was named Hashimoto's Thyroiditis but I'm very certain that it has to do with the major and necessity of the thyroid. I've known for a long time the importance of the thyroid gland, and the many things within the body that require proper thyroid function. But when I think of the thyroid as the base of a bridge and the disease of it, a crashing down and destruction of the bridge above the base, it makes perfect sense that they would name this disease Hashimoto's. I have felt like my body has been slowly destroying itself to the point of feeling like I was somehow going to die. I knew there was something very wrong with me. When I left the doctors office last Monday with my new diagnosis, I felt overwhelmed. I called my husband to tell him about my visit and I started to cry. I felt relieved that I had an answer to the reason I was feeling so awful and that it really wasn't just in my head. There was some justification, yet such a feeling of doom to feel terrible for the rest of my life. The only thing I knew to do was to follow the instructions I was given regarding my diet (going 100% gluten free), and read everything I could find about other people's experiences with Hashimoto's. This has been overwhelming in itself but very helpful and I don't feel so lost anymore. For the first three days I did so well cutting out gluten. I was eating roast beef and carrots and hummus. I was cooking with lots of veggies for the family and it didn't seem all that bad, yet! I woke up on day four and felt absolutely miserable. I stood at the kitchen sink trying to rinse some dishes and I was weak and tired and out of breath. My arms ached and all I wanted was to sit down and rest. This was around 8:30 in the morning. It was at this moment that I knew, that this road would be long and not for the faint of heart. This was going to take commitment to my own health and support from my family and friends. It was going to take perseverance and a major attitude adjustment. And in that moment I crumbled into a ball of tears in my husbands arms. "I don't wanna feel like this forever" I said to him. "I know that all those things I thought I could try before like getting rest and exercise and eating right will be good, but they won't make me better." I had been carrying these emotions all week and they finally busted out. He looked at me and said "we're in this together, I love you." Something changed for me in that moment. I felt validated and loved and taken care of and SUPPORTED. For the last several years I have allowed myself to be in a place where I thought that I had to do everything for everyone in my home. I carried all the stress so no one else had to. I do it all because I either don't want to ask for help or I think it's all my job. I suppose my depression and attitude the days leading up to this, were my fear rising to the surface. I felt afraid that I had to continue to carry everything on my own and still try to take care of myself....for real this time. Wearing myself out and running on empty wasn't an option anymore and I truly didn't know how to make this change and make it last. Going on the gluten free diet is a challenge in itself and a major life changer for our family. But it wasn't this that made my future feel bleak, it was my fear of walking this road alone. Even as I wrote that last paragraph I was still wrapping my head around how much I'm loved. Sometimes I still can't grasp how blessed my life is because I'm wrapped up in myself and my own self pity. How sad. Not only is my husband such a wonderful man and a blessing to me, God loves me so much to allow me to walk through this disease and grow stronger in my faith and my love and my character from it. This is a challenge no doubt but I believe it is a blessing in disguise because I know God's hand is all around it. I will learn to ask for help and I will appreciate the love and support my husband offers me. I will learn to take care of myself the right way so that I can truly take care of my family. I will have to rely on Jesus for support on days that I feel weak and can't seem to see the hope ahead. God was looking out for me in this journey. My thyroid is not the base of my bridge its merely a small part of the foundation built on Jesus. My bridge will not be destroyed by this disease.

Longing, Thirsting, Seeking

Sometimes I'm really scattered with so much to write and no real destination. Tonight I feel heavy with the thoughts of contentment and the endless search for it. It is my belief that most people, if they look deep enough into their hearts, long for a feeling of fullness. A completion. A sense of lacking nothing. Certainly many people feel very content and full and satisfied, but I do believe that the majority of us, whether well educated, good Christians, successful, or just happy are looking for a missing piece. At least I am, and honestly it makes me feel better to think that I'm not alone.

It was a couple of years ago that I had this burning inside of me to just explore what it really meant to thirst for God. It was a thought that constantly went through my mind. I pulled out my Bible and started to look through each verse that referenced "thirst". I found tons of them. I thought that it would be such a great idea to challenge myself to really seek and "thirst" for God. What did that really mean? What could that do for my life and those around me if I just longed for Him? If I just could seek Him and find my satisfaction in Him, what an amazing outcome I would have, I thought.

The feeling went away, as many of mine do. I got over it and moved on, but I kept all of my notes, scripture references and random thoughts within the pages of my Bible. I've glanced at them and read over them from time to time thinking it would be a really good idea to explore it more deeply, but, well, I don't really have time. It seems I don't have time for much these days but to sit and think about how I imagined everything in my life to be so different by the time I was this age. My goodness, how I have lived my life with expectations based upon fairytales and found disappointment along the way, when real life has smacked me in the face. Really, am I the only one who has done this? Once again, I will feel much better if I believe I am not alone.

How often is the smile on the outside a mere pretty enclosure of the disintigration that is happening just behind it? I'm thirsting. I'm seeking. I'm looking for the meaning of my life. I'm looking for the reason that I'm here and trying to make sense of the last 29 years. One of my doctors yesterday said..."well, you look like you're doing great". All I could do was laugh and say..."I'm a pretty good faker". It's true, I am, and a lot of us are. What are we supposed to do? Life continues even when we're falling apart. Our families still need us even when we feel like we can't give anymore. Our work still requires our attentive and productive presence even when we don't feel attentive or productive. I don't want to be a faker anymore, I want the greatness that my smile portrays to be more real than any words could explain! I want to feel content, joyful, lacking nothing. I want to feel peaceful, not thirsty.

As I travel through my thoughts and memories, puting them in place, I can see how the Lord has layed things out in my life to help me along the way. Many things in fact, but for time and a reader's sake I will focus one. The idea of "thirsting" that I mentioned above is amazing to me at this very moment. It was long ago that He put it on my heart....quite intrusively I might add. It was all I thought about for days, maybe weeks. At this point in my life is exactly the time where I must learn how to quench my thirst with my one and only God. I walked into my bedroom today and one of the girls had gotten into the books on the bedside table and pulled out one of my pages with verses regarding "thirst". The very first one I read was Psalm 42:2 "My sould thirsts for God, the Living God. When can I go and meet him." This was followed by Isaiah 55:1 "Come all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you will have no money, come buy and eat. Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost." WOW, how these words just darted into my soul and touched me at my core. It all finally made sense.

I'm constantly frustrated and confused with how one such as myself, a Christian woman, with strong faith, wonderful experiences and a grounded sense of this life, can feel so incredibly helpless and wandering. How is it possible to feel alone and seeking when I know exactly the cure for this ailment? I've known all along that God is my answer. Why is that so hard? I've known that He made me, He loves me, He believes in me and He has a plan for me. So, why can't I just believe that on a heart level? Why on earth do I have to travel a road of despair and tear myself down before I just look up? How do I keep forgetting that I was made to love HIM? I'm supposed to thirst for Him. I'm supposed to long for Him.

I'm grateful for the hope that I've found in the Lord. I'm happy to have found His grace and forgiveness and love in the pit of my humanness. And, after moments of feeling on top of the world and blessed beyond measure, followed by a bumpy road into the ditch, I've learned that it does get better. There is hope and He is paving our individual roads as we speak, we just have to look for the grace that surrounds us and hold on tight.

Who's Happy?

Lord, Thank you so very much for the gift of writing! I feel so at peace when I write and it has become such an efficient way for me to express my heart and thoughts which really teaches me things about myself each time. I am so blessed that You are my God and I pray that again as I write and speak, You speak to me in the way that only You can do. Amen

I've had so much on my mind this past week! Toby's message at church last Sunday was outstanding, but as I sat in church this week, I wondered what had happened on Monday that caused me to lose touch with everything that he said! I felt so incredibly inspired last night to just write. I wanted to sort through the thousands of thoughts that had passed through my mind. I was searching for clarity and meaning in all that I was thinking. Many times, taking the time to sit down and focus and write out what I'm thinking is the only way for me to make sense of my life. I've found that writing for me is more of a journey of self discovery that I will probably continue my entire life. I do hope that in sharing some of my deepest, raw, unfiltered thoughts and feelings, that I can reach some other women and people who may have some of the very same feelings, struggles, frustrations and hurts. There is always comfort and hope when you know you're not alone.

Last night as I sat in front of the computer writing and thinking and talking and trying to figure things out, the thought that I was really focused on was the meaning of happiness. I spent hours thinking and writing and nothing seemed to flow. I realized that I had some interesting questions about happiness and I found through a little research (something I love ;)) that other people had the very same questions. But I never seemed to reach a conclusion on what I really thought the meaning of happiness was. The words I had written just didn't seem to find themselves tied together at the end so I decided to save it and not post. After reading back over it today, it's amazing how much my perspective has changed and my "feelings" have changed in the course of 15 hours or so. Toby is so right in saying that "feelings cannot be trusted".

During my research last night I found a website that stated the meaning of happines like this: Happiness is an emotion that is characterized by a feeling of absolute contentment. It is the feeling of being where you should be, getting what you want and needing little else. I was amazed by that and I still am today in a different way. Last night when I read that, my exact thought was, "seriously? so basically NO ONE is really happy". Well, we never get everything that we want and need do we? Are we ever really content? These were my negetive thoughts last night. I'll share on my new perspective in a minute, but first I have to note another interesting bit that I found on the site. The following is a portion that I copied and pasted:

Can happiness be controlled?

As mentioned before, happiness is the net result of a number of factors. Several factors like genetics and circumstances contribute to approximately 60% of your happiness. These factors cannot be controlled. However, the remaining 40% is within your control. Your thoughts, actions and goals, for instance, are your own. You can choose to interpret an experience as enriching, if you wish to do so. This in turn increases your happiness. The same incident becomes a continual source of pain when you choose to view it negatively. Many areas of your life are highly subjective like how you choose to interpret your past, how you choose to live your present and whether you feel you are doing enough to ensure a happy future. These factors contribute to your happiness, and they can be controlled.

As you can see, even though a degree of your happiness is beyond your control, a good part of it can be controlled. Fortunately, you can turn around your life by focusing on this part. By taking active control of this, you can lead a more enriched, successful and satisfying life.

I'm back! Isn't it interesting how according to a secular scientist's research, that nearly half of our happiness is within our control? When I read that statistic and explanation a half a day ago I was so cynical. I honestly didn't entirely buy it. But when I realized that I didn't buy it, I couldn't put into words exactly why. It did make sense to me that our minds are powerful and have the capacity to control many things about our lives. While I was trying to find a way to argue what I had just read and find some other conclusion, I just felt such a strong urge from the Lord that just said "I am your source". I being human, flesh and known to make a mistake from time to time, didn't want to buy that either! That's too easy! Tell that to the scienteists. I've felt far away from God recently, lost, fearful, confused, caught in sinful decisions that can't bring me any peace or joy. In that particular state of mind it was hard to accept the reality that in my pain, pity and confusion He was still knocking on my heart. He was still looking after me and reminding me that He hadn't left me even though I had left him for a time. I've said it before and I'll say it again WHAT AN AMAZING GOD!! There aren't words to describe the peace I feel when He shows me something so clearly that I have been longing for and needing without even knowing. However, I didn't realize all of this as I typed last night. I went to bed just about as confused as I had been when I started writing and I didn't sleep much. All the while I was unaware that My God was setting the stage for another one of his great works on my heart!

So welcome to today! It is a new day, a beautiful day! I got up early, still in my funk. Grumpy because I hadn't really slept. Grumpy because it was wet and dreary out and I didn't want to go through the effort to get the girls ready for church. Andie had thrown up which was a perfect reason to stay home. I also didn't feel like it was in my heart to go and "play along" when I had some repenting to do....anyone else ever feel like that? I still just had a tug on my heart telling me that I needed to fight through my stubbornness and get ready and go.

I won't detail my entire experience at church today, but I want to say a few things about happiness, state of mind, control and surrender that I'm able to find the words for after my morning in church. I felt the Lord embracing me immediately as I walked into the sprung and I knew I was where I needed to be. As Toby began to speak, things began to fall into place. In a nutshell he spoke of how so many times we expect God to do the things that He has called us to do ourselves and in doing so, we feel frustration. When, if we just do what we're called to do, it opens up the area for him to do what only He can do in our lives. The part that really reached me was when he began to talk about making a decision to "let what I know control how I feel instead of allowing my feelings to control what I know". Toby, could you hit the nail on the head any harder?? ;) Another phrase he used was being "a victim of my thoughts". This is MY LIFE!!!! When things aren't what I want them to be, or life hurts, or I feel disappointment, regret, guilt, shame, pain or whatever, I travel into my thoughts and hide in the fantasy that I can come up with at the time. My mind races. I imagine things that aren't and won't be real. I remember things that made me feel good and relive them, often times embelished. I play out elaborate conversations with people that make me seem wonderful, smart and witty. I sometimes travel into the darker places and linger in my hurt. I remember painful things that have been done to me or said to me and feel those feelings again. I replay conversations that I believe should have gone differently, and in my mind things usually are more dramatic than they were in reality. I sit here and wonder why it's been so long since I've been happy....and if I've ever really been "happy". Gosh, is it any wonder now why happiness has eluded me? I live in my mind. I live in these unrealistic thoughts that create feelings that rule my life! I thrive and feed on these thrilling feelings that I can create all on my own and sometimes they feel wonderful. Other times I feel anxiety and discontentment when I sort through my disappointments over and over again.

When I combine the knowlege I found last night and the wisdom that God gave me today, my thoughts and words all seem to tie together perfectly. It wasn't that I had writers block last night. It wasn't that I just didn't find an answer to my question. The truth has come to me because God was preparing my heart and my mind last night. Things in my life leading up to today have been preparing me to receive the wisdom that He wanted to bless me with on this very day. I DO have control over my happiness. That doesn't mean that saying "I'm happy" 100 times each morning is going to make me happy. Our mind is powerful and this could cause me to think I'm happy, that's true. But as stated above, the meaning of happiness is described as this: Happiness is an emotion that is characterized by a feeling of absolute contentment. It is the feeling of being where you should be, getting what you want and needing little else.

Now, if we know that our feelings can control our state of mind, our actions and our lives, wouldn't it be true that a "feeling" of "absolute contentment" could bring about an amazingly content and happy life? If I can recongnize God as "my source" as He told me that He is, then He becomes my source of contentment. He becomes the One I look to for help in controling my thoughts and feelings. The One that I can rely on when I feel the temptation creep up to enter into another fantasy. He can bring me feelings of security, acceptance, love, reassurance, peace and joy. These feelings can do amazing work in my mind and my life. When I surrender my heart and my will and my fear to Him, I am in exactly the place that I need to be and I need nothing else but Him.

I don't mean to write a post like this and end with it sounding like I have finally figured this out. It sounds so easy and really, it's the furthest thing from easy. I just know in my heart of hearts that I'm not the only woman, wife, mom or friend that struggles with living by feelings and fear of letting God take control. We live in a world where it's not popular to not be in control of your life. It's not popular to live by faith when you feel like everything around you is falling apart. Why not run and figure it out on our own, afterall we're strong women. Isn't that what we hear....all the time?? I have to daily choose to think differently. I have to choose to live my life by what I believe and not by the way I feel about my circumstances whatever they may be. I have to choose to ask God to fill me in the areas that I feel empty and alone and give me the strength and courage to be the best that I can be for Him and my family. THIS IS HARD!! I just told Avery today at naptime "sometimes it's really hard to be obedient and it isn't fun and it doesn't feel good, but God honors it". As I spoke that to her, I knew God had given me those words not only for her tiny heart but for mine as well.

Please know that this struggle for me may be one of the largest I have discovered thus far in my life. God has lined things up accordingly to reach me right now, exactly where I needed it and I'm so very grateful. I drove out of the parking lot at church today and the struggle had already begun. By the time I got home I had to walk into the bathroom and just look in the mirror and cry. What happened to that wonderful strength I had found in surrender just 30 minutes before? Through my tears, all I could do was say..."God, please help me! Help me take my thoughts captive. I don't want to live this way! And PLEASE help it to be easier!!"

I don't know if it will be easier, but I do know that I've chosen to once again give up on my own way of thinking. I see the Lords workings in my life and this is what gives me the faith to contiue on this journey with Him even when I can't see anything that's ahead of me. I'm imperfect but I'm forgiven and I'm absolutely content in knowing that He is my source!!

Sweet Little Girls

Avery wrote her name for the first time today....all by herself!! And, it was legible!!! I was so proud, I dated the paper and saved it to put in her baby book. I can't believe she's getting so big so fast. Andie isn't far behind her. She's potty training and talking and TESTING and even blaming her big sister for making messes! How on earth did we get here? Time goes by so quickly. I remember my mom telling me when I was a little girl that when I was all grown up, I would wish I had those days back. I so wanted to be grown up! I wanted to be married and have babies and wear pretty dresses and high heels and make up!! Now here I am, the pretty dresses and high heels don't come often (but I take advantage when they do)! Life has been wonderful thus far, I do look back and sometimes I wish I had those days again. But, even more than that, I wish I had known how precious and priceless my innocence was. As a mom of little girls I see them do exactly what I did all those years ago. They put on my shoes and jewelry and clothes and make up and want to be just like me. It's so heartwarming to watch them grow and have these feminine desires and longings that I remember having. But, I also feel such a strong realization of what my responsibility is as their mom. They want to be just like me.......wow!! And here's the crazy part, even though one day they will probably wish they weren't like me, the will be!! It's scary! What a job I have before me. What do I want my precious, innocent, beautiful girls to learn from me that will in turn teach them what it means to be a woman, wife, mother, friend?? What a responsibility I have to protect their innocence and shield them from the wickedness that's in our world today.....that is so well disguised!! When I take the time to think about all of this I'm overwhelmed by the simple fact that God would give me these babies and let ME be their mom!! It makes me want to be closer to Him. It shows me that the deeper I go with God, the softer I become and the better mom I become. I'm more aware of the fact that they are watching and hearing everything that I'm doing. It reminds me that even though I like to have devotional time alone, they need to see it. And even though most of my praying is done alone, they need to hear it. It's my job to sow the seeds of love and nurture and kindness and servant hood and purity and virtue into their tiny hearts. And, in order to sow these seeds, I have to lead by example, not by words! How blessed we are to be God's children. He loves us enough to give us this life and these wonderful lessons that make me just want to seek Him more!! Thank you Lord for the gentle reminder of one of my greatest tasks!!

Thirsting for God

God has put something on my heart recently. It came to my mind, the idea of what it really means to "thirst" for God. Of course it's an easy answer....you want God really bad right? The more I pondered this, the more ideas kept coming to mind about how I would go about "thirsting" for God. What if I took a chunk of my time and devoted it to this thirst. What if I did some sort of rehab where I focused my attention and actions and being on a genuine thirst for God and all his righteousness and love. How could my heart and life and world be different for myself and those around me? As I prayed about this I started to write down different ideas and plans for a daily devotion. Things like limiting negative influences, setting an exact time for your devotion and following through but continuing a prayerful attitude and thirst throughout the day. There would be focus on "Thirsting to Love", "Thirsting to Serve", all of these falling under the "Thirst for God" theme. I began searching for scriptures pertaining to thirst and desire for God. I found some beautiful things! I'm still brainstorming ideas of how to put together some sort of 30 day thirsting challenge. I'd like a lot of women to be involved with me and we can do it together. Communicate through the blog, comment, encourage each other. On the blog there would be a daily scripture, thought, focus, and encouragement for the day. I really feel like this is something that could change so many peoples outlook and focus which in turn would change their environment. Who couldn't stand a little rehabilitation in our God seeking department? Hopefully I'll have more details soon.

A Cold, Rainy Day

The sun is gone again. I can always tell when the sun isn't shining because the house seems so cold and dark. But I do love days like this because I love to cook hot soups and stews and homemade biscuits. Which reminds me, this has to be short because I have to make some biscuits before Corey gets home from work. I've missed him today! Most days I can talk to him throughout the day when I have time, but he's been training in Dallas all week and I'm lucky to hear from him once during the day. At least it makes me that much more anxious to see him when he comes home. I love how excited the girls are when he walks in the door. I suppose that's another reason that I feel so blessed to be home with them, because I get to see that! They have been sick this week, each with a different virus. Andie with more snot than I knew a toddler could produce, a deep cough, fever and rash on her cheeks. I assume it's Fifth Disease, not a big deal but pretty uncomfortable for her. Avery on the other hand has the tummy virus. Not really a fever but moderate vomit, small appetite and major lethargy. Poor thing!! I love to snuggle when she's this way and I love the slower pace, but it sure is nice to see her sweet, bubbly, energetic self come back. I think we're over the worst of it. At least it hit at once...now I'm just praying that they don't trade!! I suppose I don't have time to write all of the things on my mind. I've got to get those biscuits going! Maybe I'll check back in sooner than later!

I just can't believe that it's already been a year since I last posted a blog. I suppose I can't call myself a blogger!! There's really no particular reason for this post, other than the fact that I've been up making Christmas treats and I'm not tired and I just feel like writing.

It has been a busy year for our family. It's no wonder that it has passed so quickly. The girls have grown tremendously and become even more precious to me. It's funny how so many things can grow with time. Not only children, but a relationship, a love or a marriage. Time has a way of deepening the meaning of some things and teaching us things we would have never understood had time not gone by. Corey and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary last weekend. How monumental that feels in a world where today so many marriages fail in the first few years. Not only does it feel like a relief that we've made it that far, but even more than that, it feels like I'm so much more in love with this man that I was positive I loved 5 years ago. My love has found so many new meanings. Now I understand that love is so much more than a feeling, it's an action. And I've learned that the action doesn't always evoke a feeling....but sometimes it really does! I've learned how much forgiveness can soften a heartache and dissolve expectations that were so highly set, and how big of a thrill can be felt when you watch a man cherish his daughters. How blessed we are that our Creator gave us love, demonstrated and taught love, and gave us marriage, children and family. My marriage and my children are the things that have been the largest lesson of my life and continue to be. They have raised every emotion within me from joy, contentment and elation to frustration, fear and hurt. It is a wonderful gift to enter into marriage and an even more wonderful gift to be married to such an amazing man. The words we spoke on our wedding day mean more now than they did then because we have experienced them. How deep, how precious, how lasting is our love!